Truths are Sometimes Pathetic
by Nuclear Hammer
Summary: Are the characters really how we think they are? Find out the deepest secrets behind stuff like Harry's scar, Dumbledore's ability to know everything, Lily and James' death ... in a funny way! chapter 2's out.........r/r
1. Pathetic Albus, Aberforth, Lily and Jame...

Hiya, people! This is my second fic!!!  
  
"__"-Speaking  
'__'-Thinking  
  
  
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Albus Dumbledore was sitting in his chair, reading x-men comics and snickering to himself.  
  
"Man, these x-men comics simply rule. I love 'em, I love the muggles who made these. Why can't wizards think of anything like this?" he muttered. "I've always wanted to become a comic-writer when I grew up, but my dad forced me to become a stupid headmaster..."  
  
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Dumbledore quickly shoved his comic into his drawer and said, "Come in."  
  
It was professor Mcgonagall and a kid who looked badly injured. "Albus," said Mcgonagall, "this kid fell from his broomstick and the injury is so deep that even Poppy can't do anything. You can cure him, can't you?"  
  
'How the f*ck does she expect me to do it? I know nothing about magic!' "Well, of course, I can. I'm the greatest wizard in the world." said Dumbledore, adjusting his glasses that made him look smarter (well, in his opinion).  
  
"Fine." Mcgonagall said and she left the injured kid.  
  
Dumbledore sighed, and shouted, "Aberforth, come here!"  
  
Aberforth (remember Dumbledore mentioning him in the 4th book?) suddenly came out of the fireplace. He had an appearence exactly same as Dumbledore.  
  
"Cure this kid for me." Dumbledore said.  
  
"Huh, can't you do it your self?" asked the kid, "I thought you were the greatest wizard in the world."  
  
"Wrong, kid." answered Dumbledore, "it was always my dear twin brother Aberforth, who did all my dirty work for me, then I get all the glory, and he gets Tootsie Rolls! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Aberforth cured the kid with a flash of his wand. As soon as the kid was cured, he tried to rush out and tell the others about Dumbledore.  
  
"Obliviate!" cried Aberforth, and the kid lost his memory. "Well, that was another success. Thanks again for the 45367th time for not making me look like a fool." said Dumbledore, hitting his brother friendly on his back.  
  
"No problem, brov. And my reward?" Aberforth reached his hand out and Albus gave him a tootsie roll.  
  
"Yay! These are great! I looove the way it simply melts in my mouth... hmmmmmm" Aberforth cried, dancing around like a schoolboy. "Well, I'll be going now."  
  
"Sure, and Aberforth,"   
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't call me brov."  
  
"Uhh... sure, bye." And he left with floo powder.  
  
"Pheww...." sighed Dumbledore, "My dad always told me being a headmaster was hard." and with that he took his comic out again from his drawer.  
  
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Meanwhile, James and Lily Potter was waiting for a baby. They were in Saint Mungo's for about 7 hours.  
  
"Yay, James! the baby came out!" came the happy cry of Lily.  
  
"Wow, lemme see, lemme see!" came the happy wail of James.  
  
The doctor handed him the baby. James took him.  
  
"Wow, he's so....... SHIT! He's so ugly!" James yelled.  
  
"Oh my god, he looks a fresh shit from a cow!" Lily cried.  
  
"And that's not all! He's got.. ewww.... he's already got pubic hair!" James cried  
  
"Yuck, we should get a plastic surgeon for him, ohhh, I'm worried about his future, he might be made fun by his classmates." Lily cried, as in CRY with tears.  
  
"Don't worry honey, I'll get plastic surgeon for him by tommarrow." James assured her.  
  
"Oh, James, let's make the baby's name Hairy. It perfectly suits his pubic hair."  
  
"All right, how d'ya spell it though?"   
  
"How should I know? Probably H,A,R,R,Y."  
  
Harry was not pleased. He had fantasized about his parents crying out in joy when he came out from her mother's stomach. It made him feel worse when he heard Lily say, "Damn, my mom always told me to use condoms."  
  
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Meanwhile, the poor plastic surgeon Voldemort was not having any success. He ha gotten his job years ago and nobody had ever asked for his help. His savings in Gringotts were slowly dissolving, and his mother was dying.  
  
"This is it," he cried in tears, "I'm gonna kill myself, my life is so miserable..."  
  
He was about to hang himself when the phone rang.  
  
"Hello? WHAT? A PLASTIC SURGERY? SURE! And your name? Potter? All right. Bye."  
  
He burst into tears. "Finally, someone who has a need for me! I'm so happy! I don't care if they pay me or not, I wanna thank them so much!"  
  
He packed his stuff into his old bag.  
  
"My dad always told me not to lose hope." he said.  
  
***********************************************************  
  
The next day was a fine day, but James and Lily Potter was VERY pissed off.  
  
"Shit! What kind of a f*ckin' plastic surgeon are you? How dare you make a scar in my boy's head? You made him even uglier, dammit!" swore James  
  
"I,I'm terribly sorry. It's just that it's my first time... I said the incantation wrong... I'm sorry, anyhting to make it up to you..." Voldemort said  
  
Voldemort felt really depressed. He had just thanked the first person to need his help by... creating a scar on their son's forehead. He felt ashamed and nervous.  
  
"Get out! And don't you ever come back into my house again!" Lily shouted, and kicked him out of the house.  
  
Voldemort sighed, he wanted to apologize.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
That's the first chapter, folks! Please review, and flame me if you have to, then I'll make some improvements. The next part will be coming out soon.   
^^ 


	2. Pathetic Harry, Peter, Sirius and Voldem...

This is the second part, BE WARNED. The characters will get stupider and more pathetic as the story develops!!!   
  
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"What the f*ck did you say?" cried Aberforth, Albus Dumbledore's brother.   
  
"Well, you see, brother... I ran out of my supply of Tootsie rolls,." said Dumbledore, sweat was pouring down his forehead like rain.   
  
"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! Out of Tootsie Rolls? What's the point of living without tootsie rolls?"   
  
"Don't worry, Aberforth, I'll go buy a whole package right now." stuttered Dumbledore.   
  
"Make sure you do, brov! Or I'll be exposing your... secret." he threatened as he walked away.   
  
"Shit! I'll have to buy a package... My dad always told me not to trust my brothers..."   
  
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Voldemort knocked on the door of Godric's Hollow.   
  
"What the hell do you want? You filthy little b@$+@rd!" Lily shouted, she was still pissed off about Harry's accident.   
  
"I...I fell really sorry about your son... it was an accident... I, I didn't mean to..." Voldemort choked out, trying not to cry.   
  
"Cut the f*ckin' crap and get to the point!" shouted James, showing no sign of pity.   
  
"How would you like it if I made it up to you by putting a plastic surgery on you two? I notice you've got a zit on your forehead..."   
  
"SHIT? A zit? On my forehead?" cried Lily, jumping around like a lunatic, "Get it removed, QUICK!"   
  
Voldemort sighed in relief. 'Okay, this is my chance to make it up to these people who saved my life... I'll work extra careful this time... I swear, this time, there's no mista-'   
  
"Can you start, you f*cking piece of lard?" shouted Lily.   
  
"Yeah sure!" said Voldemort, "Okay... where's the plastic?"   
  
******************************************************************************   
  
A guy called Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew were discussing a murder.   
  
"Hey, Peter, I heard that some guys called Lily and James were accidentaly killed today mornin'. Who are James and Lily anyway?" said Sirius.   
  
"How should I know? Wait, weren't they our friends?" said Peter.   
  
"Oh yeah, I forgot. Hey, what's this?" Sirius pointed to 5 huge gas containers beside him.   
  
"I don't know, wanna blow it up for fun?" asked Peter.   
  
"Good idea."   
  
The street exploded, causing many muggles to die. Sirius and Peter were laughing so hard, that they didn't notice the poice coming.   
  
"Man, didja see that Peter? The explosion... it was so funny!" said Sirius, laughing about something tha wasn't funny at all.   
  
"I know... oh shit! It's the cops!" He turned into a mouse and ran away.   
  
Sirius was laughing too hard to notice the police and the ministry people and he got caught.   
  
One of the dead muggle corpses had his finger detached from his body. Fudge came, picked it up and examined it.   
  
"Hmm... this might be a clue. My mom always told me I might find something that is actually useful."   
  
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Meanwhile, Albus Dumbledore was walking grimly back to his study.   
  
"I can't believe the only guy who knew how to make tootsie rolls died in that explosion earlier. What will I do now? My reputation, it's too great to be ruined."   
  
He scanned the newspaper, and found articles about "Lily and James' death by Voldemort" and "Explosion in the street". "Yes! I got it! I'll make up a story about a guy named Voldemort, and make him evil. Then I'll tell everyone that Sirius Black was the Potters' friend and the secret keeper for Voldemort. Then I'll make Black kill Pettigrew, who had nothing left but a finger. Man, if I tell everone this, no one will believe Aberforth if he blabbers my secrets. I'll have a TOO HIGH reputation. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"   
  
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Harry wanted revenge.   
  
"That Voldemort made a scar on my forehead, I'll kill him!" he swore, as a one year old boy.   
  
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Voldemort ran away, far to Algeria.   
  
"My life is miserable again... why did I suddenly become a murderer? Ohhh... My mom always used to tell me to learn about plastic surgery before actually doing it... I should jhave listened to her."   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
There you go... it's finished. I know it sux, but pleeze REVIEW, okay?   
and also check out my other fics too, they won't be dissapointing 


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